And in all of this searching and praying for what God wants me to do and talking to my parents about it, one thing is becoming very evident: this very act of wanting to die to myself and live for others (less of me more of Him) can turn into thinking more about myself.
And joy flies out the window.
And then I ran across this quote when I logged onto facebook on Monday:
"We are settling for a Christianity that revolves around catering to ourselves when the central message of Christianity is actually about abandoning ourselves."
Could it be that I could become so focused on trying to get my life right, that I'm not focusing on the One thing in life that matters most: my Savior? Could it be that I am catering my mission to myself? Opportunities to minister are going on right here. There is only one problem, they're not the ones I was hoping for.
I am learning this painful surrender. Laying my dreams at the feet of the One who knows the desires of my heart, better than I even do. Clinging to the One who holds my future. Alas, He knew the end of my life from the beginning of time. He is sovereign.
Instead of grasping after a my mission, I'm learning to take full grasp of my Savoir, knowing that He is truly faithful through each and every circumstance. Herein lies a worthy, lifelong mission: to glorify Christ in everything.
"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."
~1 Corinthians 10:31
Someday I may end up living the life that I had dreams of, but that is completely up to my Father. Right now I am living my mission, here, where He placed me. Each moment at home is a building block on the foundation for the future that only He knows. And I can rest in Him.
"I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God."